Back in the saddle... almost.

Have you ever loved something so much that it becomes a part of you? I'm not talking about a person at all, I'm talking about an activity, a place, something that just transforms your life? It gets in your blood, becomes the very air that you breathe, without your even realizing it, and you take for granted the fact that it will be there everyday.

But then things change--you move, you lose touch with old friends, and one day you wake up to realize that there is a giant hole in your soul and you have no way to fill it. Every day you wake up, you go through the motions of your life, and it's not that there's anything wrong with your life per se, but you still feel like, underneath it all, nothing is right. You try to ignore the hole, maybe you try to fill it with something else, but nothing quite fits.

After a time, you start to forget that things were better before, and you accept that this may be your life from here on out. However, if you're lucky, something happens to snap you out of your self-imposed lethargy, and you find that missing piece that helps to complete your life.

For the last four years, I have had a horse-shaped hole in my soul. They say that every little girl goes through a phase where she wants a pony, but I never grew out of that phase. I was a horse-crazy kid for as far back as I can remember. I was lucky enough to attend a college where I could study equine science, which only cemented my lifelong love affair with all things equine. However, after graduating, I moved up here to Portland, and had neither the time nor the money to become seriously involved with horses or riding, so I just eventually accepted the fact that this was my life now, and horses were a luxury for the college years, when I had lots of free time (and parents footing the bill), but not destined for my future.

Two weekends ago, through the wonder that is CraigsList, I got a job at a local private boarding stable. I'm doing the morning feeding and turnout on Sundays. It's about 5-6 hours a week, and it's nothing I'll be doing for glory or money, but it's so nice just to be back in a barn again, talking to horse people, breathing in the horsey smells... I'm getting all smooshy just thinking about it now. There's no riding involved (yet), but that's okay. That horse-shaped hole finally found the piece that fits.

In pursuit of happiness.

My friend C and I have worked together for the last year, and I truly feel that she is the older sister I never had. I have so much respect and love for her; we are very alike, so we simply understand each other at a very basic level. Because of that, I absolutely loved going to work--that is, until she decided to move an hour away! Work is no longer quite the same without her sitting at the desk next to mine, making me laugh until I can't help but pee a little. (Well, just kidding. Mostly.)

So C called me this evening, just to catch up and share the minutiae of our lives the way we used to, and at the end of our conversation, she said, "Well, you sound happy." At the time, I didn't think much of it, and continued on with our conversation, but as the evening has worn on those four words have been pounding away at my consciousness, and I have slowly come to realize that, right now, I truly am happy. If you ask me, I'll probably gripe about being super busy and stressed out and work is crazy and too much family drama and OH MY GOD. But tonight I've come to realize that the undercurrent of feeling in my life is not merely happiness but exhilaration. I feel like, over the last few years, I have put restrictions on my happiness, qualifications if you will--I can't be truly happy because I don't make enough money, because I'm still single, because I'm heavier than I want to be. I feel like I've just been waiting for all these milestones to come to pass: I'll be happy when I have a boyfriend, when I lose weight, when I figure out what to do with my life, etc etc etc.

But tonight, all that dropped. I feel like, for the first time since college, I can just be happy. Life itself is enough; why should I wait for some stupid qualification to dictate my feelings? It's like a weight has just dropped off my shoulders, and the sense of freedom is only adding to my exhilaration with life. Internets, you are my witness: I am NOT going to forget this lesson that C inadvertently taught me.