Folks, I am the future of America! Aren't you glad?

Y'all, I have a story for you. And it does not paint me in a very flattering light.

Let me preface this story by telling you that I am not the most graceful person on the planet; no, I am the exact opposite of "graceful." A dainty delicate flower I am not! I am the girl who is prone to walking into walls and tripping over her own feet. While I am fairly intelligent, if I do say so myself, I also have a tendency to be amazingly stupid at times. So, that being said, here is what happened to me last night:

I was meeting some friends for dinner prior to the New Year's festivities, and before leaving I grabbed my coat and gloves, thinking it would probably be cold outside. However, I did not actually put them on, as that would require common sense and so therefore was not going to happen. Once in the car, I (obviously) buckled the seatbelt and put on my gloves, because gee! It was cold outside! Two blocks down the road, I decide that the gloves are just not doing the trick, so I put on my coat.

Over my seatbelt.

That's right folks, I put on my coat over my seatbelt. I don't know if you've ever attempted this yourself, but it doesn't quite work so well, what with half of the coat up over your shoulder giving you no room to move.

So I did the next logical thing: I tried to take my coat off.

Only to find that, because of the angle of my shoulders and the way the coat was stretched, I couldn't.

I was stuck in my coat. In the car. By myself. (And yes, this was before the drinking began!)

At this point I simply lost it. Picture it: I'm sitting there in my car, at a stoplight (thank goodness!), by myself, laughing my damn fool head off because I'm totally stuck--I can't get my coat on all the way because of the seatbelt, but can't move enough to take it off so I can fix the situation. I think I drove down the road like that for a couple of blocks until I was able to fix it.

Nice!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Merry Christmas, y'all!

Merry Christmas everybody!

I spent the morning in my pajamas, drinking hot apple cider, laughing with my family and opening gifts. I'm currently in my sweats, watching "4o Year Old Virgin" and laughing my ass off because Steve Carrell is the funniest man alive. The time in between was spent with various family and friends, filling my gosh-darn soul with Christmas spirit (how freaking corny is that?).

But still: I hope each and every one of you enjoyed your Christmas as much as I enjoyed mine, and that you were able to spend the day with all the people you hold dearest to your heart.

Incidentally, over the weekend I found the best possible time for some last-minute Christmas shopping: 9:30 at night on Friday, December 23rd. All the stores are open until 11:00, and NOBODY is out and about! Of course, I only managed to find some stocking stuffers for myself, but that's okay!

Merry Christmas to all, and to y'all a good night!

Something tells me this may not be the best idea...

So today I went to the Dollar Tree, because I'm cool like that. (No, seriously, if you are a wrapping paper/bow/bag fiend like I am, the Dollar Tree rocks! It's awesome!) So anyway, I'm standing there at the checkout line, when I see, right by the register, a pregnancy test. And an ovulation test. At the Dollar Tree.

People, let me repeat that. A PREGNANCY test. And an OVULATION test. At the DOLLAR STORE. How is this a good idea? Are you really going to trust the state of your uterus and ovaries (or your girlfriend's, if that's the case) to something you bought FOR A DOLLAR??? Honest to God, this seems like the worst advance in family planning since George Bush took office! (I'm sorry, but this "abstinence only" sex ed shit JUST DOESN'T WORK.)

Seriously y'all, if you are really too broke to go to Fred Meyer's and buy a damn pregnancy test, then go to Planned Parenthood. That's what it's there for. Because damn!